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You have great dreams, desires, and goals. That’s a given: you wouldn’t be
reading this ezine each month if you didn’t.
You also have challenges and setbacks in making them all a reality. That’s
also a given.
As a solo entrepreneur, you’ve made yourself extremely vulnerable to the
disappointment and suffering that come when things don’t go according to plan.
Every self-help guru, life coach, and power-of-positive-thinking pusher will
tell you that you can let difficulties stop you, or you can change your attitude
and make the best out of a bad situation. I can just see them making a fist and
encouraging you to “turn that frown upside down.”
The purveyors of the law of attraction tell you that focusing on
disappointment will bring you more disappointment, and focusing on success will
bring you success.
It’s true that when things don’t go the way you planned, how you deal with
it is up to you. All of it sounds great in theory, but let’s take a
real-life look at those ideas.
Would you say that losing half a million dollars in one day on stocks would
be a be a setback to your plans? Especially if it were your life’s savings? That
would qualify, right?
That’s exactly what happened recently in the life of one of my clients.
As he told me the news at the beginning of our session, I prepared myself for
some deep emotions from his end. Imagine what you would feel. Rage? Despair?
Depression?
Instead, he blew me away by saying simply, “It happens. Now it’s time to
figure out how to make it all back. Can you help?”
Of course I immediately suspected he was disguising some real pain, so I
prodded. As it turned out, he had some minor disappointment about it but
honestly didn’t feel the need to dwell on it.
In my worldview which says, “$500,000 is a huge deal,” I became just annoying
enough to my client that he took me to task about my insistence that he should
be devastated over his loss. In essence, his message was this:
“I’ve worked almost my whole life, loving what I’ve done. I’ve had great
moments and I’ve had hard moments, and I would never trade any of them. I look
back from this point in time with great satisfaction. If I’d known then what I
know now, sure, I wouldn’t have invested in a bad stock, but I made the best
decision I could with what I knew at the time, so I have no regrets.
“Whether I have a fortune in the bank or I have nothing, I’m still the same
person. I’m proud of who I am, the relationships I’ve made, the things I’ve done
with my life, and losing money—whatever the amount—doesn’t change any of that.
“Still, I’d prefer to have the money to do the things I want to do in the
future. I’m healthy, smart, and capable. So let’s get to work.”
Humbled and impressed with his sincerity, I let go of my need to worry about
my client’s money and started the journey with him to make it back.
What I learned that day was the true meaning of being unattached to the
results of my efforts.
This practice originally comes from the Buddhist belief that all suffering
comes from being attached to something: a relationship, a car, a lifestyle, a
habit, a half-million dollars. In the end, the attachment equals an expectation
about what the future will look like.
For Buddhists, the key to inner peace is giving up expectations and letting
go of attachments.
Easier said than done, you say? In pursuing non-attachment, I look at four
main points:
1. Non-attachment is not detachment, or not caring. Being unattached
means I can care deeply, without suffering over results.
2. Non-attachment is easy if I’m willing to let go of my old
attachments to how I operate in the world, i.e., my need to have expectations.
3. Non-attachment is a lifelong practice. I prefer progress over
perfection.
4. Expecting things to go my way all the time is infantile and arrogant.
I would rather ground myself in humility and gratitude for the great life I have
at this moment. If this doesn’t make sense in the context of practicing
non-attachment, refer back to my client’s story.
The next time you feel disappointment, hurt, anxiety, or any other suffering,
take a moment to breathe and look at what you’re attached to. Remember that you
are strong and resilient. You can face anything that comes your way in life
(after all, you always have). Allow yourself to let it all go, and move on.
Until next month, here’s to releasing expectations and rising above it all.
RJ
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- by Louise L. Hay
- by Daniel T. Drubin